


Tightrope - Mark Lee

by staywithbeom



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: F/M, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 04:07:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21237890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staywithbeom/pseuds/staywithbeom
Summary: Mark was your first love, and you were his. But if staying together feels like walking on a tightrope, who will be the first to take the fall?





	Tightrope - Mark Lee

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on tumblr as https://honestlyfragile.tumblr.com/post/188257494640/tightrope-mark-lee

You always thought that he loved you more than you loved him. You knew that his level of patience between the both of you was higher, even if he messed up most of the time because he was too sheltered or insensitive. But whenever you called him out, he had always taken it well. Most of the time he was childish, he was innocent and ignorant. You on the other hand, growing up independent, you expected too much from him, to the point that those expectations felt like a chain around his neck, putting him on chokehold.

You’ve never understood why people in movies said, “The things that you come to love about them will be the same things that you will hate.” Even up until now, you still don’t. As months passed, you struggled to be together. You two struggled to make it work. It took you long enough to actually know the reasons why. You used to be so fond of each other, he was busy doing his own thing and you were busy doing yours. You have tried to make up for the distance by calling or facetiming each other everyday, and texting whenever you could. But that wasn’t exactly the trick, wasn’t it? Slowly as those habits formed, whether you thought it was keeping the two of you together, it was actually taking you away from other things around you that matter. The both of you slowly didn’t have time to accomplish your own matters, because you were too caught up in your relationship. Time spent talking to each other about nonsense and arguing could have been spent doing things that actually help you grow. Like spend time with your family, do your homework, go out with your friends; in other words, it was toxic.

Whenever you would talk too much, it would always lead to a small fight till it grows, because you grew addicted to the fact that you had to know everything. You didn’t have room for at least a little thrill and curiosity because your old mindset was that if you knew everything it would be better. Later you both realized that knowing too much didn’t do well at all.

You grew jealous of the people who got to be with him, whether they were family or his friends because you kept thinking that you deserved to spend all that time with him too. He missed you, he longed for your touch and presence because in the few times you got to be with each other, you have mostly tried to fulfil your physical needs, silence was comfortable whenever you were together physically. Like all the arguments you’ve had for the past weeks didn’t matter anymore because you were finally together.

He had often visited you at your place, your mom grew fond of him. Everyone knew how much of a sweetheart Mark actually was: he was kind, polite and cheerful–that was everything for your mom. You were young, you didn’t exactly know what you really wanted at 17. You thought what both of you had was enough, that everything happening was normal. That it wasn’t ruining anything for you at all.

You grew up with quite a mindset that criticism was the key to doing your best, that getting stuff done on your own was the best way to accomplish them, and you thought that you could do the same to Mark. You thought that pointing out every single thing he does will bring out the best in him; you had good intentions. But reality check, not everyone’s gonna grow up the way that you did, and not all of your ways were applicable to the people you’re going to be with. Mark was one of those people, but he tried to take it all in. All of it was because he thought that he had to be better for you, that you deserved so much. He looked up to the maturity that he knew you had, and everything else that he saw in you that wasn’t in him. That mindset was also one of the things that added salt to the wound. Though you might have claimed to know a lot, you surely didn’t know how to properly work a relationship, and neither did Mark. Hell, you were each other’s first. You had no idea what you were doing. But truly you felt that you loved him.

Back then, before you got together, Mark always had a shell that protected him. He found it difficult to open up because he didn’t want to bother people about his problems, no matter how small or big they were. He didn’t see the point of opening up to people. You wanted to change that, you took your time in making him comfortable enough with you to be able to talk about things that he has been carrying for a long time, and he had never had a person pursue him like that, ever. You were different and he loved that about you. You were bold and honest. That was something that the people around him lacked, so to him, you were stunning. But here comes the time when the both of you finally confessed to each other and decided to date, your honest criticism and constant nagging about trying to correct his actions were destructive. He endured it for 11 months because he kept holding onto the fact that he couldn’t lose you. He was afraid that he would lose control because you weren’t there to guide him anymore. The fact that he thought he constantly needed the guidance and nagging, was toxic.

Mark was able to openly become vocal of his love and affection towards you. He was appreciative towards everything you’ve done for him, because despite of everything, you did see him grow as a better person. Mark would always tell you that he wouldn’t be the person who he is today without you, that he wouldn’t know what he knows now without you and it gave you this kind of assurance. An invisible rope that keeps you on both ends, because you thought you were going to need each other through it all.

Mark doesn’t show his emotions very often, actually not at all. But he did cry about you, not because he was mad at you but more like he was mad at himself that he kept giving you reasons to get mad at him for his immature actions, or his stupid doings because he thinks that he isn’t trying to be better for you. But he was trying, god, he really was. Mark felt like he was too slow, he couldn’t catch on to what you always tell him because he didn’t know how to. What you needed to realize is that not everyone can be as forward as you but you failed to realize that. What you thought of as help for him was the same reason that was bringing him down. He was insecure and down, he started to think that this relationship isn’t for you. He needed time to grow on his own, and you needed someone whom you didn’t have to tell them what to do, or what’s right and wrong. He felt so restrained to the point that he’s afraid to do anything because he might end up disappointing you again. He knew you were better without him, because there was a lot of other guys who deserved you more than he did.

Mark sent you one of the riskiest messages ever. He couldn’t stop crying because of the thought of having to let you go, but it was for the both of you. If it’s meant to be, maybe it can be the both of you again, or you find the right people for yourselves.

“Let’s break up, please.”

The text message shocked you, you even had the audacity to ask him if he was joking because why would he do it over the phone?

“Please, we can’t keep being like this. I think we’ve both had enough." He texted back at your remark.

"I don’t want to do this on over the phone Mark, meet up with me whenever your free and let’s talk about it. Not here.”

You said as your heart was going to drop and tears formed on your eyes and your throat was getting dry to the point that it hurt. You never expected this to come from him. Maybe you were a little tough, but you never thought that he would think about breaking up with you. You weren’t the best at showing how much you loved and appreciated him, or how happy he made you, because you were too busy trying to make him the man that you wanted him to be instead of letting him be his own.

“Tomorrow. Your place, we’ll talk there”

You wanted to call him so bad but you’d rather not because nothing good is going to happen if you’re both confused and angry. It’s like the rope is burning out of tension, but you didn’t want any of this to end. The thought of him alone and for him to be with someone else was too much for you. You’ve promised each other that no matter how hard it gets, you were going to make it work. He was yours and you were his.

That night, you couldn’t sleep at all. Every single thing you have done together have replayed in your head, and if it all ends tomorrow, that would be the very last of it. You knew it was unrealistic to automatically stay friends, that would just hurt the both of you even more. You slept through your tears and hoped that this was all just a unpleasant dream. The next morning your eyes were puffy and you had a bad headache, you were drained. You didn’t want to get out of bed because waking up would mean you would have to face the reality of what had just happened between you and Mark. But you didn’t lose hope, maybe at the end of the day you were going to make it work, you always did.

Afternoon came and it was finally time to see him. You tried to fix yourself up and make t seem that you haven’t been crying for hours. But you absolutely knew that you would break at the sight of Mark again, there’s no point in hiding it. One of you had to be strong. You heard the doorbell ring in the pattern Mark always rung it, it was some sort of habit he formed while you were together, again it made you sad that maybe after today you’ll never get to hear that again.

You opened the door taking a deep breath, as soon as you got a sight of him, just like how you have imagined, you lost it. You burst into tears as Mark put on a straight face, you had never seen him like this. There were no sparkles in his eyes whenever you were together, you didn’t feel your connection with him anymore. It hurt you more than anything. He didn’t hug you back he barely touched you. He slowly tried to get away from you grip, and you finally pulled away from him.

“How-” you sobbed and Mark was about to cry as well, his jaw was clenched and he was trying to hold it in, he couldn’t look at you directly because if he did, he would lose all the strength he mustered to bring to face you today. “How did we get like this…” You let out, barely even audible. Mark pursed his lips, he couldn’t get himself to say it. To say that he was falling out of it because he figured that he isn’t the one for you, that he had already started to detach himself from the feelings he has for you.

But it hurt him to see how hard it was on you, because if anyone was supposed to breakdown and act this way, he believed that it should have been him. Because he honestly thought that you were the one who’s going to leave first, he couldn’t believe how much you have endured him in your relationship, you never gave up on him when he felt like giving up on himself. But now, he was giving up on the both of you. Mark finally mustered up the strength to talk, because you deserved to hear him and to know why it had come to this point. “I’m sorry, I really am. But ____ i’m not the one for you. I’ve accepted that and you should too. Stop trying to make me the man of your dreams, because i’m not.” he purses his lips into a thin line and takes a deep breath.

“Mark- what are you saying? You are the only one, for me.” you try to reach for him, but he takes your hand off his arm. 

“NO. You tried to make me the one for you, and i let you. But i cant do this anymore, i can’t keep sleeping at night knowing i’ll never be good enough for you, knowing that each mistake i do hinders me from growing because you keep on pointing out how disappointed you are in me. I feel like i can’t even breathe anymore.” And then, he finally lost it. Mark burst into tears and he was aggravated

You were taken back because he has never gotten mad, or at the very least you have never seen him be. “Mark, i’m so sorry, please i won’t try to control you anymore, i will let you grow just please give me time,” you take a step forward, but all he does is move further away from you.

“Let me grow? Then let me go.” He sounded so stern in his tone and you were beyond scared.

“No, i can’t. We can still be together, I promise i’ll change.” you pleaded, you didn’t know any other way to make him stay. His anger and emotions were bottled up all this time and this was the final blow. He has taken the fall.

“You-” he stopped, then continued “can’t change my mind anymore. I have never once complained about how you are towards me and i know it’s my fault, i was a coward. But now, i can finally say that we’ve got to end this. You’ll find the one for you, it’s not me. I'm sorry.” While he said that, he had finally gathered the strength to look you in the eye, because he meant every single word he said.

He held both of your hands and brought it close to his lips and placed a kiss on them. You grew weak, you could barely stand. He brought you in for a hug. “You’ll always be my first love. Nothing’s ever going to change that.” he pulled away and cupped your face, and looked at your eyes that were full of tears, and it was the hardest sight for him to see. You both leaned in for once last kiss, your salty tears making contact with your lips, and your emotions overflowing all at once. This was it, it really was.

“I love you Mark,” you say, but all he could say back was “Goodbye, ____”.


End file.
